It has been awhile since I've blogged. Many of you know why, but in case someone missed the news, our whole world changed on November 2nd when my sweet boy (Henry, 3) passed away unexpectedly of an unknown cause. To make a very long story short, he and his brother had an undiagnosed immune deficiency disorder, and a bacterial infection overtook his body. He was fine on Thursday - happy, bubbly, energetic. He woke up Friday with a tummy ache and a fever, and was diagnosed with a viral infection so no antibiotics were prescribed. By Sunday night, he was basically gone. Much work was done to try to keep him alive, but they finally turned off all of the machines and pronounced him at 12:45pm on Monday. You can read more about it on my family blog (link at top right), or on my facebook page if we are friends there (if not, and you would like to be, just send me a message there).
Now, two months later, we're trying to carry on as best we can. We still have a sweet little boy here and are doing all we can to get his deficiency diagnosed (still going through testing to determine exactly what it is - agammaglobulinemia or hypogammaglobulinemia or something else entirely).
Anyhow, I'm not sure if you remember, but last year I participated in Ali Edwards One Little Word campaign. It's kind of like a New Year's resolution of sorts. The word I chose for 2009 was believe.
Back then, I said this:
I will believe.... in myself, in my talent, in the future, that this too (insert current dilemma here) really shall pass. That everything has a purpose, and that I have the strength and the stamina to get through anything. My first idea for a word was simply "be", but I think I like this better. I will not only be, I will believe.
...and for the most part, even given the devastation that fell on us at the end of the year, I can say I honestly did a good job of maintaining that belief. I do know that everything happens in God's perfect timing, regardless of whether it is what I want or what I will ever have the capability to understand.
Now, looking forward to the year ahead of us, I'm choosing a new word and that word is healthy.
My goal for 2010 is to live healthy in mind, body, and spirit.
Health of mind will allow me to grieve properly without casting blame on myself or dwelling in regret. It will allow me to continue loving and remembering Henry every single day, while still allowing Jack to grow and play and be the boy he loves to be without hanging the shadow of his brother or his illness over his head. It will allow me to grow as an individual, and be open to the opportunities in front of me to use this experience to help others whether through the use of Henry's memorial fund, moral support, or witnessing the grace of God.
Health of spirit will support my desire to continue growing in my faith and walking closer to God. I have never felt closer to Him than I do now, and look foward to that relationship developing and growing over the coming year.
Health of body will give me the motivation to take care of myself, even on those days when getting out of bed seems insurmountable. It will encourage me to live smarter and healthier. To cook more and order out less. To eat my vegetables. To drink my millk. To exercise and continue working towards my weight loss goals.
In 2010, I will be healthy.
What about you? What is your one little word for 2010? I'd love to hear about it.