Note of Thanks

Hello friends! I don't want to go so far as to say, "I'm back," but I did stamp a card tonight! I needed a thank you card for one of Jack's therapists who is leaving us. I bought this set a few mos ago from a friend and thought it could use some ink. I have to be honest with you though - stamping isn't really the same as riding a bicycle in that I think you *do* forget how to do it if you fall off the wagon for awhile! I had some serious mental blockage tonight, but I think the end result is cute. You'll notice I even decorated the inside, which is rare for me.

This baby is all Stampin' Up! Riding Hood Red, Garden Green, Chocolate Chip, Tempting Turquoise, etc. It has been a long time since I've been able to say that, too... even when I was stamping regularly.

Things here are going ok. Some days are better than others. Some hours are, too. I still can't believe my little guy is gone. I see his picture at the top of the blog every time I log in and it just seems like he's upstairs sleeping (I always blog late at night). In short, it sucks. But I manage, through heavy prayer, the grace of God, and the love of friends and family. I'll tell ya though, I've never been more excited in my life to get to heaven. Not saying I'll do anything to speed up the process, but hopefully you understand.

Thanks for your continued prayers and support,

my mom is a survivor

My mom is a survivor,
Or so I've heard it said.
But I can hear her crying at night,
When all others are in bed.

I watch her lay awake at night,
And go to hold her hand.
She doesn't know I"m with her
To help her understand.

But like the sands on the beach
That never wash away -
I watch over my mom
Who thinks of me each day

She wears a smile for others,
A smile of disguise.
But through Heaven's doors I see
Tears flowing from her eyes.

My mom tries to cope with death
To keep my memory alive.
But anyone who knows her knows

It is her way to survive.

As I watch over my mom

Through Heaven's open door...
I try to tell her that angels
Protect me forevermore.

I know that doesn't help her...
Or ease the burden that she bears
So if you get a chance, go visit her...
And show her that you care.

For no matter what she says...
No matter what she feels,

My mom has a broken heart

That time will have to heal.

~Author Unknown

Hop Up Jump In!

I know it has been ages since I've posted a card (and done any stamping, for that matter), but I am just not feelin' it lately. I want to stamp, but I have this block that just prevents me from doing much. I actually sat down with some stamped images and my copics one night and just stared at it all for a good hour before I gave up and went to bed. I didn't make a single mark!

Jack's birthday is coming up, and I've always made all of the cards for the boys. I made all of their baby announcements, thank you cards, birthday invites, baptismal invites, etc. Heck, I even made all 60 of my baby shower invites and the thank you's for that as well. I tried like the dickens to get out of making these birthday invites. I even BOUGHT invites! But, guilt got the best of me, and I went ahead and popped out six of them. It's hard to make cards when you're not feelin' it... and it's even harder when they don't make stamps in the images of the people you need!

I improvised with some Handy Manny stickers I found at a local stamp store, and used them on this much loved layout (remember this?). Below you can see the inside of the card:

I don't know what I did to my camera, but all of my pictures look so washed out lately. It's not just this light and/or set up. No matter where I take a picture, it looks washed out. I'm going to have to google that and see what button I pushed or take it to the camera store to get it straightened out one of these days.

Anyway... I made six cards. I used elegant eggplant and real red, trying to coordinate with the stickers as much as possible. They turned out pretty girly for a handy man, but hey. At least they got done. Here is a pic of the whole batch:

Several of you have contacted me asking for more information about the card ministry I mentioned in my last post. I was hoping to get that off the ground before Valentine's Day, but I'm behind. I'm struggling with a lack of motivation lately, and lots of indecision. I've been joking with my family that I should be the president of the 80% club, because I've been starting all of these projects but not finishing any of them. I've read that this is a common response in the grief process, so I'm not overly concerned about it. This too shall pass, right? As I get more organised with the card ministry, I'll post details here. No telling when that will be, but still... you'll be the first to know.

Also, if you pop over to my family blog from time to time (link at top of sidebar), you'll notice I made a nice overhaul to the look of it. I still have a few things I need to clean up. Some font issues, etc. But again... 80% club. *sigh*

I hope you are all well! I miss traveling the blogosphere on a regular basis and seeing all of your wonderful creations. I've pretty much just been trying to take it easy and losing myself in mindless games on facebook. This too shall pass.... Eventually.

Blessings to you all -

pearls make the man

When I was a child, I had a cat named Fluffy. She was a long haired angora and was... well... Fluffy. Hence the name. *wink* For entertainment, we would take the ring from a jug of milk and tie a string to it and the Fluffster would chase me around for hours while I dragged that ring on the floor behind me. No one told me I was practicing for parenthood, but as it happens, Jack will react the exact same way when I drag a strand of Christmas tree pearls behind me! LOL!

He was absolutely fascinated with these pearls, and they kept him happy all the while I dismantled my Valentine's tree last month (yep, you read that right. I had a tree full of hearts and pearls. I know. You don't even have to say it.). After I gave them to him, I realized that it was probably not the brightest idea I've ever had (hello! choking hazard!), but I watched him like a hawk and scooped them up as soon as he was distracted for a second. In the meantime though I got a ton of great blackmail pictures. hee hee. Nothing like a shirt full of tools, some camo pants, and a string of pearls. I'd say that outfit's complete!

i am not alone

Speaking of people who left this world too soon, I'm reminded of one of my favorite comediannes of all time... Gilda Radner. I've actually been thinking about her a lot lately. I generally do everytime the Olympics roll around because I can remember laughing my arse off as a child at Gilda's recurring role on Saturday Night Live as Nadia Colmaneci. I wish I could find those videos on youtube, because they are truly hilarious. If you search for Gilda out on the 'tube, you'll find lots of funny material, but nothing that quite compares to her scrunched up little face as she eeks out "I... am Nadia COLMANECI!" Just thinking about it makes me giggle!

I was going through some papers today, working toward my never ending goal of total organization (tell me, is that even possible? I'm beginning to think not), and at the bottom of a stack of books I found the folder we received from the funeral director when we were planning Henry's memorial service. In the folder was a little booklet called Facts Every Family Should Know About Funerals, and in that booklet I found several quotes and phrases that touched my heart. I'll leave you with this one for today...

I wanted a perfect ending.

Now I've learned, the hard way,

that some poems don't rhyme,

and some stories don't have a clear

beginning, middle, and end.

Life is about not knowing,

having to change,

taking the moment

and making the best of it,

without knowing

what's going to happen next.

Delicious Ambiguity.

~Gilda Radner (1946 -1989)

the weight of grief

Well friends, it was four months ago today that we lost our sweet boy. In some ways it seems like only an instant has passed, and in other ways it seems like an eternity. One question I'm often asked is, "how are you doing?" I can't fault people for asking - it's something I'd be asking too, if the roles were reversed. It's a hard question to answer, because the answer changes mulitple times a day - sometimes multiple times an hour. The weight of grief never leaves me, however I am able to compartmentalize it from time to time if I'm distracted by a movie or a tv show or a game or what have you. In general though, I just feel... well... heavy.

It's an odd feeling, and one I've never experienced prior to November. When I move, I feel more weighted. When I exercise, it is more difficult. I can physically feel pain in joints where before there was none. Granted I have also had a small weight gain during the past four months, but I am no where near my highest adult weight, and yet at times feel as though I've surpassed it by leaps and bounds. You may have heard people use the expression that their "heart is heavy," and perhaps it's the same kind of thing, except that it has expanded to encompass my entire being.

On top of the weight, there are emotions. They come and go, generally whenever they feel like it. A few people have told me that I don't have to be strong in front of them. Somehow suggesting that I am in control of these random emotional breakdowns I have. Unfortunately, that's not the case. Triggers don't seem to give much advanced warning. Last week was especially rough for me, starting with the day I had to throw away our pumpkins. Visiting the pumpkin patch was something grandma, great-grandma, and I did with Henry every year, and I believe was the last outing the four of us had together. I had saved the pumpkins, thinking we'd carve them on October 30th. That was the morning Henry fell ill though, so the carving never happened. I didn't think much of it at the time - I figured he'd be just as happy to carve them a few days later when he was feeling better. Little did I know.

The pumpkins sat on this bench on our back porch, right where he set them, from October through the last week of February. Yes, that angel you see in the picture was there the whole time. One of many strange coincidences I've found in the past few months. So, with the weather warming a bit, the pumpkins softening, and garbage day approaching, it was time. I didn't want to do it, but I did... and then I cried. I cried long and I cried hard for about a week straight over these pumpkins, over the loss of my boy, over the senseless loss of another child in town, over milestones we'll never get to reach, over questions about the future, over the generosity of friends and family and friends we've never met. It all brought me to my knees.

As most things tend to do, it passed, and after several days I was back to my old self (which is actually my new self, all things considered). The whole experience is sad, but that is to be expected in times like these. I don't think there is any way to avoid it, and I'm not sure I want to avoid it, because I think those low times help me to cope with the loss, and to continue to look to the future.

On a lighter note, if you're a regular visitor to my blog and aren't stuck in google reader or some othe third party port, you should have noticed a major change to the way things look around here! I've spent a few days revamping my family blog. A new name (which my facebook friends should recognize from my many notes on facebook in the past four months), a new look, and a new feel overall. I'm still not entirely sure where I'm going to go with this blog, but I'm considering end of day posts on a regular basis on all sorts of topics.

Think Doogie Howser...

*grin*

Sooo...

What's all wrong with this picture?

Let's see....

1. Jack likes to take his pants off at nap time sometimes. Like this day.

2. Aaaand what's that you see just a few inches behind the pants? That would be a diaper. The diaper. As in, the one he was wearing when he got in bed.

3. Note the dark spot on the sheet near his right foot. That would be wet. And the best part is, he was fine until he saw me. I excited him. :)

4. That was my first thought anyhow... then I realized that whole half of the crib sheet was wet. *sigh*

5. Check out the big smile! He's so happy to be airing out and shooting his willy all willy nilly around the room.

As a side note, how about those ugly crib rail guards!? Jack went through a "I'll chew my way out of the crib" phase, so I improvised and tied fleece blankets over the rails with the ugliest ribbon in my collection. Fear not though, Raggedy Ann and Andy fleece is in the house, and new guards that match the nursery will be done soon.... although I think we've passed the chewing phase and probably don't even need them anymore.

It has been awhile since I've blogged, so I thought it was time for an update. We're getting through the days, trying to stay positive and focus on the future. There are very few days without tears, but we're getting through with each other.

Thanks for all of your continued prayers and support.

Gift Tags

Hey - two blog posts in two days. It's like some kind of record!

I thought I'd share these little gift bags I whipped up over the holidays. Literally the only stamping I've done in months. The tags are stamped on Kraft paper (SU!) that was cut with a nestie. I layered two different snowflake punches (Martha Stewart) and then slapped a button in the center with a little green organdy underneath. Then I stamped the paper bags to match. HA. KIDDING. I totally bought the bags that way at Hobby Lobby on clearance last winter. I had you going for a minute though, didn't I? :o)

I'm hoping to get started on a very special set of Valentine's cards soon. I'm going to get a little card ministry off the ground in Henry's name. We have to travel to the Children's Hospital in Milwaukee on a regular basis for Jack's infusions (they infuse antibodies into his bloodstream due to his immune deficiency disorder) and I would like to take a batch of cards with me each time for the two floors that have helped our boys - PICU and Cardiac. I'm thinking I'll alternate between the two, and just drop off cards that can be used by parents or children or nurses or whomever needs or wants them. I'd like to put a label on the back of each one noting that it's from this so far unnamed card ministry and maybe a link back to here or my family blog. SO, this is where you come in... what should I call it? I would like something with Henry's name in it, and I'm kinda diggin' the aliteration right now, so I'm thinking, "Hugs from Henry", "Henry's Heart", "Hope from Henry", etc. What do you think? Do you have any other ideas? Please share if you do!

One Little Word 2010: Healthy

Hi friends,
It has been awhile since I've blogged. Many of you know why, but in case someone missed the news, our whole world changed on November 2nd when my sweet boy (Henry, 3) passed away unexpectedly of an unknown cause. To make a very long story short, he and his brother had an undiagnosed immune deficiency disorder, and a bacterial infection overtook his body. He was fine on Thursday - happy, bubbly, energetic. He woke up Friday with a tummy ache and a fever, and was diagnosed with a viral infection so no antibiotics were prescribed. By Sunday night, he was basically gone. Much work was done to try to keep him alive, but they finally turned off all of the machines and pronounced him at 12:45pm on Monday. You can read more about it on my family blog (link at top right), or on my facebook page if we are friends there (if not, and you would like to be, just send me a message there).

Now, two months later, we're trying to carry on as best we can. We still have a sweet little boy here and are doing all we can to get his deficiency diagnosed (still going through testing to determine exactly what it is - agammaglobulinemia or hypogammaglobulinemia or something else entirely).

Anyhow, I'm not sure if you remember, but last year I participated in Ali Edwards One Little Word campaign. It's kind of like a New Year's resolution of sorts. The word I chose for 2009 was believe.

Back then, I said this:

I will believe.... in myself, in my talent, in the future, that this too (insert current dilemma here) really shall pass. That everything has a purpose, and that I have the strength and the stamina to get through anything. My first idea for a word was simply "be", but I think I like this better. I will not only be, I will believe.

...and for the most part, even given the devastation that fell on us at the end of the year, I can say I honestly did a good job of maintaining that belief. I do know that everything happens in God's perfect timing, regardless of whether it is what I want or what I will ever have the capability to understand.

Now, looking forward to the year ahead of us, I'm choosing a new word and that word is healthy.




My goal for 2010 is to live healthy in mind, body, and spirit.

Health of mind will allow me to grieve properly without casting blame on myself or dwelling in regret. It will allow me to continue loving and remembering Henry every single day, while still allowing Jack to grow and play and be the boy he loves to be without hanging the shadow of his brother or his illness over his head. It will allow me to grow as an individual, and be open to the opportunities in front of me to use this experience to help others whether through the use of Henry's memorial fund, moral support, or witnessing the grace of God.

Health of spirit will support my desire to continue growing in my faith and walking closer to God. I have never felt closer to Him than I do now, and look foward to that relationship developing and growing over the coming year.

Health of body will give me the motivation to take care of myself, even on those days when getting out of bed seems insurmountable. It will encourage me to live smarter and healthier. To cook more and order out less. To eat my vegetables. To drink my millk. To exercise and continue working towards my weight loss goals.

In 2010, I will be healthy.

What about you? What is your one little word for 2010? I'd love to hear about it.

Are you scared?

Here is Jackie at 19 mos in a cute little shirt his grandma bought him for Halloween. In case you can't read it, it says, "I may be cute but I still bite." Darrin snapped this picture of him, and I just love the face he's making. Totally works with the shirt, don't you think?!

Poor little guy is living in a padded world right now. We're so sensitive to every little cough or sigh with him, but he sure has done a lot for us both in terms of keeping us both sane over the past month.